Life in the moment

The past few days I haven't had enough time in the morning to blog, but today a few minutes have appeared. One of the threads through my morning meditations has been life and what we do with it. I think as children, we spend our existence impatiently waiting for something. We wait for kindergarten, and then we quickly look forward to summer vacation. We can't wait to be a teen and then to drive and the graduate and then to college. And then? We longing look back at our childhood wishing to do it over again because now life is so busy we can't enjoy it anymore.

Perhaps, the best way to live life is somewhere in between; somewhere where we are accomplishing things but realize the moment for what it is -- a gift from God. I am starting to see that God is waiting for us in those moments where life isn't getting in the way. Those five minutes after class and before the next one begins, God is there waiting for me. If only I could appreciate that time with him in communion with others! Think about how much of our lives are spent waiting for something, pining for a person or an activity. All thought is about how wonderful it is going to be. Just like the child pining for his driver's license, he misses all the joys of childhood looking forward to becoming a teen. That's the regret we feel later in our adult lives. We wasted so much of our childhood waiting to grow up. Is that the way we want to look back over our lives? Do I want to reach my "Golden Years" and wish I hadn't wasted so much time waiting for things to happen? Besides, life is so fragile, that tomorrow or even ten minutes from now, my life could be over.

So, since I'm in the adding discipline to my life mode, I think that I will try to use every single minute of my day doing something. I'm not going to look back and think that the majority of my life was sitting in the theater watching stupid commercials waiting for the movie to start.

Joy and Sorrow

Nouwen went all Zen this morning, and I'm struggling with putting it together with Paul's hopefulness in Romans 8. The problem is that Nouwen is right in the thick of life, of his humanity. He speaks to our sorrow as connected to our joys; one can not have one without the other. I think what he really was getting at was that sorrow is a part of life, and we can not live in a way that tries to avoid it because we then also avoid joy. It is about living passionately even though it opens us up to sadness. You can't care deeply about something without feeling its loss. By the same token, in our deepest sorrow, joy seems to find a way of bringing us back.

In contrast to Nouwen's reality, Paul's head was pointed to Heaven. He talked about the hope Christians have in Jesus to plead our case and lead us to an eternity with God. I suppose that in some ways he, too, was talking about the connection between joy and sorrow. In our deepest sorrows Christ's hope is there to bring us back. For Paul, life is full of suffering, but our faith in Christ gives us joy in redemption and reconciliation with God.

It's funny how you can read these two diverse texts, and feel they were written just for you. I think that one of the areas in which I need to grow both as a human and as a Christian is my ability to live honestly and passionately. Ever since high school, I have held back. I did this for many reasons, but the main one is that I didn't like to feel as if I was wrong or if I cared about losing something. Being the object of ridicule and abuse in middle school taught me that the one defense against stronger people was to pretend you just didn't care. Eventually they got bored and mostly left you alone. By the time I got through high school, I had added the idea that passion made one look really stupid, especially when the person you were passionate about wasn't really that into you. It took me a long time to get passed that, especially in my personal relationships. It's still true, though, in many aspects of my life. It's easier to be nonchalant and uninspired than to take the chance on being wrong or disappointed in something. I need to grow here, especially in my spiritual life because Jesus and God expect you to give yourself to them, to give your heart to them. That requires passion and suffering and joy.

Opportunites and Surprises

My discipline of morning devotionals came to a screeching halt after only two days; Christmas break, travel, and other things got in the way. That is not an excuse as much as it is a confession of guilt, for my decision to make this time was to overcome such problems. Do I quit then, give it up as a lost cause? Of course not. When you have these moments of failure, which you will always have in any endeavor, the spirit must rise up and continue to fight against all the obstacles to success.

In that light, I made time this morning for my four rituals: The Bible, Bread For the Journey by Henri Nouwen, blogging my thoughts, and The Intellectual Devotional, which I haven't read yet. The English teacher in me tries to make connections between texts, and this morning was no different. The Scripture was from Romans, and Paul was off on some idea that I don't totally agree with. He, as far as I can figure out, was saying that the Law was the cause of his sin because it made him aware of sin. Then went on to say that inside, he exulted the Law, but his actions that he did not want to do but did were from sin. It got really circular in logic, but the point that I took from it was this -- we are bombarded by sin to do things that we know are not right and this fact makes us sinners and our own salvation is through faith in Christ.

Now, Nouwen's brief devotional passage was simply that every single day is full of surprises, good and bad, yet we will miss them if we are not open to the opportunities. I really liked this idea because it speaks to being an open person. Everyone knows the story of the man who receives a message from Jesus saying he would visit him the following day. So, the man readied the house and awoke with great anticipation of Jesus' visit. Early in the morning, a knock came at the door, but it wasn't Jesus. It was a child begging for food. The man quickly gathered some food for the child and hurried him off lest he should miss Jesus. The man waited longer and soon another knock came to the door, but it wasn't Jesus; it was a man who needed clothing. The man gathered some clothes, gave it to the beggar, and sent him off. Again, he awaited Jesus. Later in the afternoon another knock came at the door. "Surely, this must be Jesus," thought the man as rushed to the door. This time it was neighbor who needed help. The man, hoping he would not miss Jesus, rushed to his neighbor's house and helped the man in need. The rest of the day passed, and the man never saw Jesus. During his prayers that night, he asked Jesus why he said he would come and then did not. He heard his answer. "I did come, three times today." The man was puzzled. "But Lord," he responded, "I was home all day and only a hungry child, an unclothed man, and a needy neighbor came. I did not see you once." To this, Jesus responded, "Ah, my son, in those three I was there."

Well, this story, combined with Nouwen's paragraph, and with Paul's conundrum of sin comes this -- Every single day there will be opportunities to sin and opportunities to do good. It is waiting with an open mind to seize those chances that makes the day exciting.